"Baaa" humbug!

I've been struggling today, ever since I woke up.  You know how that goes, amen?

You know how sometimes it feels like we have to do things exactly right in order for anything in life to "work out"?  Well, that's bull.  

As if your slightly overcooked dinner will determine whether or not you live the rest of your life in misery!!!  It won't!!  That might seem plain and obvious to some, but for me, it's little things like that that I'm used to letting get me down.  This past year on NET has allowed me to see that about myself.  It's just crowding out that kind of thinking that's the hard part.

More importantly though is that the "stakes" are a lot higher when it comes to time specifically set aside for prayer.  This is my chance to talk to God without any distractions, just me and Him - I better not mess this up!!!  Again, BULL. 

Who is God?  Is he a tightly-wound giver-of-punishment up in the sky, waiting to strike me down?  NO!!  Not God.
He is LOVE.

I told hundreds of students that truth about God this year while I helped run reflection days.  But do I really live every waking moment in full awareness of his goodness and merciful love?  No, I'm just not used to it.  It's like, I know it.  But in my heart, clearly I don't get it.

And still HE LOVES ME!! So much.

Today during my personal prayer time I was flipping aimlessly through my Bible to fall upon "the right passage".  (Which I've discovered doesn't exist.)  I was actually flipping all over the Bible just waiting for one passage to just LIGHT UP.  Then in my heart I felt God saying, "See, I love you more than you know.  You think that it's up to you to be loved by me?  It's not!  I love you if you read about death and despair in Jeremiah, and if you read about me as your Shepherd in John.   It's a lot harder to block me from speaking to you than you think.  Really, you won't get rid of me that easily!!  Follow where your heart is leading you and I will work with you from there, and I will bless you.  You can't expect it.  It just will be, if you let me be your Father who knows and loves you."  

Yes.  He is good.  All the time!  So yeah I still had a crappy day, because in my head I kept hearing negativity and anger and bitterness and doubt and rejection.  But at the end of the day, nothing can overcome the joy of the Lord.  The truth is that He loves me and nothing will ever change that.  No matter what I do.  No matter what I don't do.  He longs for me and desires me as I am.  Simply because I'm his sheep.  Obviously, that goes for you just as much as it goes for me.  We're his sheep!  Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!  Praise the Lord God!!!

Jesus, make me rely only on you.

Not on who I feel you are.

Not on who I feel I deserve.

But YOU, Jesus.  Save me from all negative thoughts, against myself and against others.

Make my heart only yours and always yours.

You're amazing and I praise you!!
Thank you, Jesus!

"He is jealous for me
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden I am unaware
of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realise just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.

And oh
How He loves us so
Oh, how he loves us
How He loves us so."
(David Crowder Band, "How He Loves Us")

Fear and little old ladies

It's been a YEAR!!

Wow.  I randomly decided to update my blog and I ended up giving it a major makeover.  Then I went to see when my 1st (and only) blog had been published.  Apparently it was 3 December 2011.  Well, it's safe to say I've been majorly slacking.  I only made that blog so that I could do some fundraising  and spread the word about where the heck I would be for the next year.  Now I've decided to give it a deeper purpose.  (check out the blog description up top)  So that's what I'ma do.  I just want to thank you all who have so faithfully supported my year on NET.  You're amazing!!!  Sorry that I never updated this thing.  I'm going to post more often than once a year from now on.  I promise!  (I'm saying that so that I can be held accountable)

I've definitely changed a lot in the past year.  I'm listening to Hillsong :) and "Came to My Rescue" is on.  That's exactly it.  Jesus has in every way come to my rescue.  Through my adventures on NET this year, I was confronted with the truth that: The way I love God is the way I love others.  And the way I love others is the way I love God.  This year praise God I was able to step back and see how afraid I've been.  Afraid of relationship.  Of knowing others, of letting them really know me, the real me.  Afraid of God knowing and being involved in things about me I'd rather not admit to anyone.  And I've been very afraid of knowing Him for who He really is.

 
(drawn by an 8-year-old: http://akiane.com/home)

It's also been a bit scary coming to know myself more as well.  But it's so good!!!  I knew in my head but never really understood in my heart that in order to love others and to give, we have to have something to give.  If I don't love myself and see myself through my Father's eyes, how can I see others that way and love them?  We love because He first loved us (1 Jn 4:19)!  I've built up a good security system around myself over the past 24 years.  I didn't trust God to get through whatever inside me was acting like my heart's personal secret service.  But He definitely wants in.  He's just not going to force His way in.  Open up those doors inside of you that you'd rather not let Him into.  Give them over, surrender!!  Let Him come to your rescue.  You'll never be the same.  You'll be living in freedom!

This year has been one where I've sought to know who Jesus is through personal relationships with the people I've met, my brothers and sisters on and off NET.  I think it took being on the other side of the world for me to start seeing the value of relationship.

It's invaluable.

It's worth the effort.  Jesus is worth it all.  When He promises life and life to the full (John 10:10) He delivers.  IN ABUNDANCE!!!

A little example of how He delivers:  This year I was in Melbourne.  It gets COLD there (well, compared to Brisbane).  "Four seasons in one day," they say.  Well one day I thought, I kinda wish I had a scarf....Nah, I'm on a year of mission, I can do without.  Lo and behold, at the next Sunday Mass I went to across the street (at the beautiful St. John the Baptist's Church in Clifton Hill) I met a beautiful old lady named Heidi.  After Mass she put her scarf around my neck from behind me.  It was beautiful, black and white, and really really warm.

 

The next time I went to Mass during the day, another big-hearted little old woman named Margaret had knitted me a purple fuzzy scarf.  Then not long after that I received a handmade scarf from my beautiful aunt/godmother; it's orange - my favourite colour =) - with little white roses on the ends.  God was saying quite clearly to me that HE is my Father and He knows what I need, and He wants to shower it upon me as He chooses.  Who am I NOT to receive His gifts??

So, He might be big and scary.  But He's also gentle as a lamb.  And definitely as gentle and loving as little old ladies. 

I want to know you more, Lord Jesus!  

And I give you permission to know me and love me as I am.

"Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me!

Like a mighty storm
stir within my soul
Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me!

...I surrender, I surrender
I want to know you more!!!"
("I Surrender" Hillsong)