So in an effort to relieve myself of any pressure for this to be long, profound, or worth the absence of posting, I'm gonna remind myself and you that this blog exists to give all the honour, glory, praise, and magnitude to God, and to his holy name JESUS!!!
I love that name.
So I'm currently enjoying an easy, carefree life. Hard to not feel guilty about it sometimes, but then I remember that what I receive on break is what will help me give fully what I've received. I'm staying at Robyn's family's rental house on the Gold Coast.
It's wonderful. Can't think of other words to use. Her family basically told us to do whatever we want, to rest, relax, and not feel tied or obligated to do anything. And Mama Pashula gave clear directions: "No ministry allowed while we're here! Only being ministered to." What a beautiful saint.
I've had plenty of time to lay in bed and roll around in the covers without any plan for the day. It's been great!! And really weird. Some highlights have been: shopping (finally replaced my sunglasses! and bought new jeans), skyping my sister Karen, sitting in sunlight!!!, watching movies with the fam and my fellow NET sisters (Bec, Maria, Kat, & Robyn), and going on a date with Kat - my pal from New Zealand. (who woulda thought we'd both stay on the Gold Coast 2 years later while on round 2 of NET??)
The biggest highlight has been my personal prayer every morning. Hands down. It has been a time where I drop everything and just be in God's presence. He is loving, to say the very least. Resting is great and necessary, but I get more strength and peace and LIFE when I sit with him and listen to what he's saying in my heart, through scripture, holy books, and just imagining me and him sitting on a park bench and telling Jesus how I honestly feel...and listening to what he says back.
Today Jesus was very direct. I've been battling a bit with memories, regret, insecurity, and feeling lost about my identity. I imagined walking up to Jesus and handing him everything. But he held what I'd given him in his hands and said, "Well, what would you like me to do with all of this?" I'm like WHAT???! You're God, you should know what to do with it. And Jesus very gently but firmly asks, "Do you want what is best?"
He had me there. Didn't know what to say, really, because in my heart I felt like I couldn't care less what happens to it. Jesus sat me down. Then he pulls out a music box. It wasn't playing, though occasionally it would make clicking sounds. I thought it was nice just as it is. It's cool, even if it's broken. Doesn't need to be fixed to be pretty.
But Jesus told me that unless the thing at the bottom is turned, stretched, as tight as it can be, the music box won't play as well as it was made to. It won't reach its fullest potential, won't be consistent, long-running, or sounding as beautiful and clear as it could. It's nice to look at, sure. But is it being the most it can be if it merely looks nice?
No. The truth is: no.
Confused, I asked God why I don't desire what's best for the music box, for things in my life, for me? He said it's because I'm used to settling for less. Settling for what is less than what is best for me. I found myself helpless in his arms. And to me Jesus said, "Is there any reason for you to be afraid?"
No. The answer is: no. There is no reason for me to be afraid.
Knowing that God loves me with all of his heart is enough to drive away all fear. Regardless of what I do, who I am, how I spend my break, what my plans are, what bad habits I struggle with, what my thoughts are - I am still loved.
This truth makes me excited for the rest of mid-year break. I look forward to finish reading Harry Potter number 6, watching some more movies, enjoying the beautiful sunshine, hanging out with the girls, and meeting Jesus in prayer every day. Before I know it, it'll be time for mid-year training: reuniting with the brothers, Roz!!!, the rest of the NET family; receiving more training and guidance, being refreshed and reminded of why I'm here, and recharging for the next half of a year in the beautiful parish of St. Fidelis in Coburg, VIC. God is good!! Can't wait to go back to St. Fidelis. Missing it heaps, and excited for what's in store!!!
"It is necessary to open ourselves once again
to the action of the Holy Spirit,
without fear of what he might ask us
or where he might lead us.
Let us entrust ourselves to him."
~ Pope Francis
