Once Upon Original Glory...

There is truth in little corners of our lives

There are hints of it in songs and children's eyes

It's familiar like an ancient lullaby

What do I live for?
(from "Hosea's Wife", by Brooke Fraser)

Hello, brothers and sisters.  :)  It has once again been a while since I've written in this blog.  My brain has been, indeed, a JUNGLE of swirling tigers and whirling dervishes....!

Here's a quick update: I've finished my second year of NET, started my new job as a staff member with NET Ministries Australia, and celebrated my first Aussie Christmas!!  Woohoo!  Bring on the new year!

I'm now embarking on a new chapter of my life with a recurring, somewhat daunting question: Who am I?

Oddly enough, it's been uncomfortable for me to ask myself this question.  I'll never forget that Sunday evening years ago when I attended Mass and was presented with an idea that'd never occurred to me: to ask Jesus, "Who do You say that I am?" and let Him tell me.  Years later I can honestly say that, while I've desperately asked that question on occasion, I've also desperately neglected to open my heart to what His answer is.

These days, I profess that I am first and foremost a beloved daughter of the most High God - created in love, to love, for Love.  Now to me, that's an amazing gift.  That answers the whole "Who do you say that I am?" question, doesn't it?  What more do I need to know, right?

But I guess a more important question is: Do I actually believe it?  

I think there's a difference between thinking with your head and thinking with your heart.  In my head, there is a tendency I have of viewing myself with judging, condemning eyes.  I don't know if you're at all like me, but perhaps you share this tendency: of casting a negative hue on your image of who you are.  That tendency has definitely been an easy "go-to" for me, especially these days as I transition from living as part of a team/family to being "on my own" in a city far away from home, beginning a whole new adventure that is lonelier than I expected.  For some reason, my head has been telling me that if I'm feeling lonely, I deserve it; I belong there; I'm not yet worthy to belong; I've somehow messed things up; I've done it to myself; that's just who I am and who I'll always be.

I haven't mentioned yet that that's a GREAT STINKING PILE OF LIES!  Really!!  It's all NONSENSE!!

And yet, what is "sense" to me when all I notice is how I feel alone and devoid of light?  How I feel ashamed for even feeling alone and devoid of light!  In the midst of that muck, I kinda forget about what makes sense.

How important it is, then, to be reminded of that ever-burning light that radiates from deep within the heart!  Yes!  There IS glorious light in the midst of it all!

(the human heart!!)

Recently I stumbled upon a beautiful book by John Eldredge called Waking the Dead.  There's a passage in it that was a breath of SWEET, FRESH AIR to my soul.  My thoughts had been swimming in that big swamp of lies.  I felt stuck and surrounded by sin, unworthiness, and shame.  During this time however, some beautiful witnesses in my life helped soften my heart: they spoke truth to me, comforted me, validated my feelings, and reached out with genuine love.  The way I see it, they were tilling the soil of my heart to receive some good seed that was very soon going to be planted.  One day, I was watching a couple episodes of one of my favourite shows, Once Upon A Time.  It's about fairy tale characters who, thanks to the curse of an evil queen, live in the present day and have forgotten their original identities.  After I'd watched a couple of episodes, I took a break.  I picked up Waking the Dead, and read about the concept of "original glory."  Eldredge writes:

"We've heard a bit about original sin, but not nearly enough about original glory, which comes before sin and is deeper to our nature.  We were crowned with glory and honor.  Why does a woman long to be beautiful?  Why does a man hope to be found brave?  Because we remember, if only faintly, that we were once more than we are now."  (p. 14, emphasis added)  

Original glory.  Read it again!  It comes before sin and is deeper to our nature.  I don't know about you, but when I read that I was like, "Wait - oh yeah, that ...makes sense!!"  For if I've fallen into sin, I must have fallen from something.  And that something is: Glory!  Pure and simple.  Eldredge is saying that sin is not the deepest part of our nature as humans: Beautiful GLORY is what is TRULY at the heart of human nature.  It's already there, and has been there since we were formed.  "We were crowned with glory and honor," and we were once more than we are now!

Perhaps it's thanks to a show about storybook characters and fairy tales and true love that it is now sinking into my heart that I was once more than what I am now.  That at my core I am truly good.  As a human being, my innermost being is grace and fire and light that can overcome any darkness I could possibly fall into.  It's as though my whole life I've been striving for something more.  Seeking something more.  Thirsting for adventure.  Doubting that things are as they seem.  Acting upon a deep sense of knowing I'm made for more - whatever that "more" means.  It's as though I've been living with a faint (if not lost) memory within, a deep knowing of a former glory that I once knew.

Like I said, my initial reaction to reading Eldredge's bit on our hidden glory was shock.  "...DUH!"  Upon reading his next sentence, another deep seed of truth was growing in my heart.  He says, "The reason you doubt there could be a glory to your life is because that glory has been the object of a long and brutal war" (p. 14).  Have you ever doubted there is glory to your life?  I know I have.  It seems if I'm not doubting it, I'm often forgetting it.  But here's what I know: there is evil in our world.  Most definitely.  Anyone who pretends like there isn't needs to wake up, quickly.  In Once Upon A Time, there is dark power that rules the cursed land and tries to kill any memory of glory and true identity once known; and in our time, there is an Evil One who reigns in this fallen world.  His pride is intimidated by our God-given glory.  His great fear is that you and I might wake up to who we REALLY ARE.  So yes, we are in the midst of a bloody war.

So let's kick some butt, shall we?

Have I known this in my head?  Yes, for a couple years now.  Have I believed it?  In my heart, I think I've always "heart-known" it to be true.  But have I believed it wholeheartedly?  No.  Soil needs tilling.  For some reason, it is now sinking deep into my human heart that life - real life - is even better than a fairy tale.  That I, as a woman, am a Beauty named Christine, who was made in True Love, for True Love...And I believe that True Love took flesh, died for me and for all, and defeated the grave.  I believe His name is Jesus, Emmanuel, God-[is always!]with-us.

...If we've eyes to see, if we've ears to hear

To find it in our hearts and mouths

The word that saves is near

Shed that shallow skin, come and live again

Leave all you were before, to believe is to begin

(Brooke Fraser, "Hosea's Wife")

My question, to myself and to you, is: Do you believe this?

The character Henry from Once Upon A Time believes with unwavering, childlike faith: Good will win.  Good always wins!  And I can wholeheartedly say that I have that Goodness in me already!  That original glory!  Deeper to my nature than sin....in fact, that is who I am!

"If you are who you were made to be, you will set the world on fire." 

St. Catherine of Siena

Amen.