"Baaa" humbug!

I've been struggling today, ever since I woke up.  You know how that goes, amen?

You know how sometimes it feels like we have to do things exactly right in order for anything in life to "work out"?  Well, that's bull.  

As if your slightly overcooked dinner will determine whether or not you live the rest of your life in misery!!!  It won't!!  That might seem plain and obvious to some, but for me, it's little things like that that I'm used to letting get me down.  This past year on NET has allowed me to see that about myself.  It's just crowding out that kind of thinking that's the hard part.

More importantly though is that the "stakes" are a lot higher when it comes to time specifically set aside for prayer.  This is my chance to talk to God without any distractions, just me and Him - I better not mess this up!!!  Again, BULL. 

Who is God?  Is he a tightly-wound giver-of-punishment up in the sky, waiting to strike me down?  NO!!  Not God.
He is LOVE.

I told hundreds of students that truth about God this year while I helped run reflection days.  But do I really live every waking moment in full awareness of his goodness and merciful love?  No, I'm just not used to it.  It's like, I know it.  But in my heart, clearly I don't get it.

And still HE LOVES ME!! So much.

Today during my personal prayer time I was flipping aimlessly through my Bible to fall upon "the right passage".  (Which I've discovered doesn't exist.)  I was actually flipping all over the Bible just waiting for one passage to just LIGHT UP.  Then in my heart I felt God saying, "See, I love you more than you know.  You think that it's up to you to be loved by me?  It's not!  I love you if you read about death and despair in Jeremiah, and if you read about me as your Shepherd in John.   It's a lot harder to block me from speaking to you than you think.  Really, you won't get rid of me that easily!!  Follow where your heart is leading you and I will work with you from there, and I will bless you.  You can't expect it.  It just will be, if you let me be your Father who knows and loves you."  

Yes.  He is good.  All the time!  So yeah I still had a crappy day, because in my head I kept hearing negativity and anger and bitterness and doubt and rejection.  But at the end of the day, nothing can overcome the joy of the Lord.  The truth is that He loves me and nothing will ever change that.  No matter what I do.  No matter what I don't do.  He longs for me and desires me as I am.  Simply because I'm his sheep.  Obviously, that goes for you just as much as it goes for me.  We're his sheep!  Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!  Praise the Lord God!!!

Jesus, make me rely only on you.

Not on who I feel you are.

Not on who I feel I deserve.

But YOU, Jesus.  Save me from all negative thoughts, against myself and against others.

Make my heart only yours and always yours.

You're amazing and I praise you!!
Thank you, Jesus!

"He is jealous for me
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden I am unaware
of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realise just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.

And oh
How He loves us so
Oh, how he loves us
How He loves us so."
(David Crowder Band, "How He Loves Us")